257: Unlearning Codependency with Darlene Lancer
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Episode Summary
Codependency can keep us so focused on others that we slowly lose connection with ourselves.
In this episode, I’m joined by Darlene Lancer, a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, and expert on codependency and relationships. Darlene has worked with couples and individuals for more than 30 years, and she brings so much wisdom to this conversation about what codependency really is, why it develops, and how we can begin to heal.
We talk about the connection between codependency and shame, how faulty beliefs can keep us stuck, and why many codependents feel disconnected from their true self. Darlene also explains the stages of codependency recovery, how mindfulness supports healing, how attachment patterns are connected to codependency, and why learning to feel anger can be such an important part of reclaiming yourself.
This episode is also a beautiful conversation about self-love. Darlene closes the episode with 10 practical ways to begin loving yourself, which is something many of us know we “should” do but have never been taught how to actually practice. If you have spent years overgiving, people-pleasing, or trying to find your worth through others, this conversation will help you take the next step toward becoming a healthier, more whole version of you.
Key Takeaways:
Codependency can cause us to lose connection with who we really are
Codependency recovery happens in stages and begins with awareness
Shame and codependency are deeply connected
Shame attacks can pull us into old beliefs, fear, and self-criticism
Mindfulness helps us notice our patterns instead of becoming consumed by them
Codependency is often based on faulty beliefs about ourselves, others, and relationships
Self-esteem in action is self-empowerment
Attachment styles can influence codependent patterns
Learning to feel anger can help codependents reconnect with boundaries, truth, and self-respect
The messages we tell ourselves matter because the unconscious mind absorbs them
Self-love can be learned through simple, consistent practices
Codependency Recovery
Codependency recovery is the process of returning to yourself after years of focusing on other people’s needs, emotions, approval, or reactions. In codependency, we often look outside of ourselves for safety, validation, connection, or worth. Over time, this can create exhaustion, resentment, shame, and a deep disconnection from who we really are.
Related Episodes
You may also enjoy:
172: The Joy of Codependency
264: Why Codependency Is Controlling & How To Heal It
469: Overcoming Codependent Habits
Resources from this Episode
Darlene Lancer Website
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